Cicciolina for President


When Ilona ‘Cicciolina’ Staller was first elected President, many commentators felt that the victory was proof (if proof were needed) that Italians had finally become pathologically obsessed with sex. So much so that they had elected a porn star as their leader, as the person who represented them !

Political observers said that her victory symbolised the final demise of the Italian parliamentary system; confirmation that the Italian electorate would no longer tolerate the endemic in-fighting and dodgy-dealing that have ravaged Italy since the war, even preferring a woman who made her living making porn movies and performing on stage sticking a pet python up her bum.

But at the same time, voters still seemed unable to distinguish between politics and immorality. A hardcore porn-star represented a logical progression: Cicciolina was the only candidate in the election more corrupt, more morally questionable than her predecessors.

Personally speaking, her election seemed wholly positive, rather touching, in many ways, a victory for democracy: a victory for the common man. (You couldn’t get much more common.)

After all, the people knew all about Cicciolina. In a country blighted by secret machinations and sordid scandals, with Cicciolina, there could be no scandal. She was too scandalous already.

Of all the candidates running for President, it was difficult to imagine Cicciolina selling her political principles for higher office, being tied to the Mafia or being on the take (on the GAME, yes). By comparison, the likes of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi made Cicciolina look relatively pure.

And whilst the majority of politicians still insist on some sort of protected private/personal life, Cicciolina made it clear she was there to serve.
“I just want to be used,” she said (probably not for the first time). “In the Chamber, I’ll behave like a nun.” (Not a priest – luckily.)

All in all, Cicciolina represented a kind of personal/sexual Glasnost, a revolutionary concept to politics: the voters knew everything about her – from her peculiarly personal campaign tour, where slogans like GROPE YOUR LOCAL MP put John Major’s homely meet-the-people stance to shame. Her habit of casually tugging down her dress to show her breasts also made her (understandably) popular.

The voters knew Cicciolina INTIMATELY – from watching her movies (movies like ‘Atomic Orgy’ and, er, ‘Chocolate Bananas’). Here, they had seen Cicciolina up close (shaved and sore, very down-to-earth), at home, in bed (taking three men at once). So much better than some shady snapshot of an MP having a snog with his mistress.

They had seen Cicciolina’s own peccadilloes (champagne bottles, ping-pong balls, frankfurters) in the flesh. (Literally). They understood her needs. And of course, they liked her politics. (Remember those ?) She had founded one of the world’s earliest Green Parties, back in 1979, commencing a campaign founded on the concept VOTE FOR A GREEN FROM THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT.

She was opposed to nuclear arms (arguing that we should “make love under the warm sun instead”), cruelty to animals (Pito-Pito, the python she used on stage, she insisted, loved his work), and damage to the environment (golden showers do not damage the o-zone).

She was the sort of feminist Italian men (and women) could identify with.
“I don’t want not to be liked by men”.

Most of all she was against censorship. The first acts of her Presidency were less controls over the sale of pornography (allowing its sale in petrol stations, ice-cream parlours and, bizarrely, greengrocers) and lowering the age of consent (to 10) – “paedophilia is a very long word for kiddies fucking”. Sex education in Italian schools became mandatory.

She launched a network of clinics offering free HIV tests on the national health, performing the opening ceremony with her new ally, Lady Diana, both undergoing the test themselves – Cicciolina brandishing her certificate (negative) on the steps of the Italian Parliament.

She abolished military service, saying that young men should be out enjoying themselves and fox hunting (likewise, young foxes).

Abroad, she used her notoriety to campaign for the issues closest to her heart (her chest), and was particularly successful in using her Hungarian background to secure a number of unlikely Italian export deals on products, such as diuretics, pythons and low-cut pink spandex dresses.

She became more and more of a player in the Bosnian peace negotiations, flagrantly flirting with Serbian leaders when they threatened to withdraw (as it were) publicly giving
_________ ___________ (name of leader) a good spanking.

Predictably perhaps, President Clinton was the first foreign leader to celebrate her success, appearing in Rome with almost undue haste in an unannounced trip to her offices (that’s offices, not orifices), emerging from the Italian Parliament with an unfeasably large smile on his face even for him.

The Royal Family breached presidential protocol by sniffily distancing themselves and refusing to receive her at Buckingham Palace. But Edwina Currie welcomed her on her first Presidential visit to Britain, taking her shopping for fetishwear round Soho’s sex shops. Melvyn Bragg and Clive James were both injured in their rush to interview her and Channel 4 commemorated the visit by showing ‘Chocolate Bananas’ opposite a ‘Panorama’ special.

Even Mrs Thatcher made a surprise statement admiring the way Cicciolina had followed her own example by adopting a disciplined, dominating stance against weak male politicians in her cabinet.

John and Norma Major were evidently uncomfortable receiving La Cicciolina for her weekend visit to Chequers. Norma took the seemingly sensible step of confining their talk to their mutual love of animals – having perhaps not been briefed about the internal activities Pito-Pito or Cicciolina’s on stage sexual relations with an alarmingly well-endowed stuffed toy dog.

A story in ‘The Sun’ that Cicciolina had entertained a group of (unnamed) Tory cabinet ministers by performing her vast repertoire of golden showers (pissing into a set of successively smaller wine goblets – like something from ‘The Generation Game’) were strenuously denied by Downing Street.

After her marriage to Jeff Koons and the birth of their son, Ludwig, Cicciolina began to talk of returning to family values, moderating her behaviour and astutely shifting to the centre of Italian politics in alliance with Berlusconi’s Forza Italia party.

Gone were the fuschia pink stockings, white stilettos and low-cut dresses, in favour of modern matronly suits and sensible shoes. The only time her breasts appeared in public were as a demonstration of her solidarity for women’s right to breast-feed in public.

She concentrated her efforts on introducing creches in the workplace, free nursery school education and anti-drug lectures in schools. She repealed the laws she had introduced on pornography (banning its sale within a four mile radius of schools and churches) and campaigned to raise the age of consent (to 21).

When her fight to gain custody of Ludwig went public and she snatched the child away from America, Cicciolina’s profile lowered for a year and by the time she re-appeared, emerged with a change of image. Her steely stare had often been compared to that of Mrs Thatcher and now she wore her hair back-combed into a big blonde bouffant with a handbag to match La Thatch’s. Even her speech patterns began to echo hers.

Her politics shifting more and more to the right, Cicciolina began to campaign for indefinite jail sentences for people guilty of child abuse, as well as drug-dealers and greengrocers distributing pornography.

She announced that she had experienced a conversion of faith, and after protracted negotiations, finally secured a meeting with the Pope (and Liz Hurley).

Possibly as a result of this, months later, like many porn-stars before her, Cicciolina announced that she was a lesbian and now would be leading a celibate life, concentrating on raising her child.

Negotiations are currently believed to be under way for her and Thatcher to conduct a joint lecture tour of Japan and the United States.