What Men Want


1. What’s Yours Is Mine

It may come as a shock, but deep down, if they think about it, women know alot more about what men want than they realise.

I’ve got the sneaking suspicion that, in alot of ways, what men want sexually is the same as what they want – by which I mean things like: affection, reassurance, communication, commitment, devotion. Women, we’re often told, need these things, so why shouldn’t men want them too ? I actually find the idea that a girl is devoted to me very sexy.

Men want to be kissed, they want to be held (before sex, after sex). They want to be seduced and complimented just as much as you probably do. (They just might not admit it .)

When they think about what men secretly desire from sex, alot of women I think fear the worst. They go straight to thinking it must be something sordid, racy or too perverted. They start to think Kim Basinger and Sharon Stone, ‘9 And A Half Weeks’ and ‘Basic Instinct’, Playboy and porn movies.

They start to think bondage and blindfolds, striptease and whipped cream, and more convoluted positions than a drunken game of Twister.

Alot of women, assuming the worst, resign themselves to the idea that they can’t give a man what he wants, that they can’t live up to these images and ideas and give up.

This is their mistake. Sex is meant to be a natural act – people are sexy enough on their own if they’re doing the right thing. Sex is often not about bodies but about the mind. Men, you will often find, will do half the work for you, in their own imaginations.

So forget the karma sutra, forget the blindfolds and handcuffs, forget the idea that the solution is buying some magazines or watching porn videos. (Porn videos to me and probably alot of men are not sexy, and are actually quite off-putting.)

Also forget the idea that what men want is for sex to be FUN.
Lots of sex manuals say sex should be fun. What they mean is sex should be ENJOYABLE but above all – let’s never forget – sex should be SEXY.

The answer to sprucing up your man’s sex life should not involve getting the coloured condoms out or the ridiculous red lingerie. These are gimmicks. Sex to me is serious (is there anything MORE serious ?) In particular the use of pet names or games, like coyly suggesting playing ‘Hide The Salami’ or ‘getting Little Eddie to come out to play’ should not be encouraged. Sex, to my mind, is not a party game. Names like this are for people who are embarrassed by sex, a way of not taking sex seriously. Men want sex to be passionate, wild and meaningful. They want it to be sexy, not silly.

2. the first seduction

One example of what I mean about men’s reluctance to talk about something, or ask for something, is the difference between finding yourself being seduced and pointing out to your partner that she never seduces you and asking her to.

Many men would prefer the secret hope of the first and avoid doing the second, even if it meant the seduction never happened.
Men’s libido and their male ego probably mean it’s usually men who initiate sex, but that doesn’t mean they want it to always be that way. On the contrary.

All the obvious things are good – candles, music, wine – but don’t over do it. It shouldn’t be a performance, it should be natural. It’s just as good just lying on the sofa watching TV or in the kitchen, and find your hands doing the talking/wandering. Any man would love to wake and find he was being seduced, that he had missed the first ten minutes of the action.

One basic thing men want is to feel women want sex as much as they do, that they are not doing it because they feel they should be or just lying there.

One friend, Tony, told me, his wife always gave the impression she was thinking of something else when they had sex, so much so, for a while, he stopped even wanting to.

He felt she was worrying about her day at work, or mentally listing all the things she had to do the next day.
“But she was listening to the radio we had on while we went to sleep. I finally realised when she actually interrupted me and leaned over to turn it up.”

One thing all men want is to feel the woman they are with is capable of being a seductress, alluring and active.

Even if they are famous for not commenting on it, I’m sure that,
like women, they like it when their partner makes an effort and get dressed up to go out, especially if it is something a little risqué. They may be clichés but then so are men. High heels, short skirts, racy underwear, expensive underwear (no underwear) will all do the trick.

Men, women forget, like intrigue, want their women to be glamorous, slightly exotic.

Another friend, Robert, told me how annoying it used to make him when, as they start having sex, his girlfriend at the time would cough or clear her throat.
“About as un-erotic as you could get.”

Watching your partner get undressed or taking her make-up off every night is the sort of thing that helps erode the mystery, the enigma of how she created that enigma in the first place.
Getting undressed in the bathroom sometimes and, coming out naked, or in something sexy, is an easy way to start.

3. Sex out of the blue

It’s commplace for women to complain their sex lives have become mundane, too routine. Men think so too. (They just might not say.) If your sex life consists of having sex in bed, at the end of the day, in one or two ways, with the person you happen to live with, it’s not sex, it’s habit.

There is nothing worse for men than the idea that a woman WANTED to have sex or wanted to do something different but didn’t do anything about it and that they were waiting for him to take the initiative.

So the way men look at it, unexpected sex is probably even better than having it in bed, at night. They could actually be having sex less but like it more !!!

Again, you don’t have to come up with anything too elaborate or extraordinary. To my mind, having missionary-position sex in the car on the kitchen floor would feel sexier and more exciting than resorting to alot of bizarre positions in bed (but then I like lino).

Most couples eventually have a pattern to their sex lives, the same things in the same order – the man starts kissing the woman, she responds, he touches her, she touches him. And so on. But that can lead to them having sex almost being on auto-pilot. Just break the pattern, do things differently. If you masturbate him with one hand, use two. If you take turns to have oral sex, do it to each other at the same time. If you make love to him sitting on top of him, do it turned round, with your back to him (and lean back). Stand up, kneel down, turn over or sit up instead of what you normally do. Variety is the spice of life.

Having sex when you wake up can make for a great change. So can suggesting you have sex in the afternoon. If you are in bed, you can always get OUT. You can have sex ON the bed instead of IN it. Have sex on the floor or up against the wall.

Both of you don’t have to be naked. You can strip him, or strip off but leave your partner still clothed. Or leave just your shirt on, or your socks (admittedly, sexier on the woman). This adds a frisson because it’s like making sex about a taker and a taken, introducing an element of fear and calculation with one person losing control and the other taking it.

4. Talk to me

Many women, seeing the suggestion ‘talk to your man’ would assume you mean talking dirty, which is one of those Kim Basinger/Sharon Stone/porn movie fantasy clichés that actually is a tremendous turn-on for men but a fantasy nonetheless.

Talking dirty can actually often be embarrassing (for BOTH parties) mainly because it isn’t natural. It’s an act.

True, when it’s NOT an act, it’s great, but still the sort of thing you probably have to build up to. You can start with just being flirtatious – whispering sweet nothings is very arousing.
“You can do anything you want to me” is sexier than saying anything filthy. Just the words “I want you” or “Oh God that’s gorgeous” will do wonders.

The main thing is: get into the habit of talking DURING sex – by which I DON’T mean talking about the kids or the weather or the colour of the new wallpaper. I mean saying anything – “come here”, “turn round”, “do that again”.

If you can’t ask what your man wants, why not do two things and say ‘do you like it better if I do this ? Or do that ?”

Trial and error can be fun.

Talking dirty doesn’t actually have to be dirty.
“Put your fingers inside me” is sexy as hell.

The only problem is, you do it too well, he may well come on the spot. Still, as I said before that doesn’t mean it’s over.

5. Expanding your horizons

One thing I’ve never understood is the emphasis many couples have on sex being about intercourse or making love. To me, sex is not just about intercourse. On the contrary, if you’re using condoms, it can actually be less intimate, less personal than sex that involves mouths, hands, feet, or anything else, because it’s flesh-to-flesh, mouth-to-skin.

And after all, foreplay is what we use to get aroused in the first place, so why is it that we don’t just continue doing that ? All night.

Mindless, bovine humping is not actually very sexy, especially if it goes on too long. It’s boring. I think 69 is a better position than half the positions in the karma sutra and actually more intimate in many ways, more erotic.

After all, intercourse often ENDS sex. Alot of couples think there’s nothing else to do after that. But you are allowed to start again. Men are allowed to come more than once. In fact it’s sometimes easier for a man to come more than once this way too, and, trust me, most men would rather come twice in two hours without having intercourse at all than just have intercourse, come once and call it a night.

6. oral sex

The key to oral sex is appetite. Men want to feel as if their partner wants to do it as much as they do, that she is someone who not only likes the taste of them but wants it. Personally, I think oral sex is just as natural and passionate and sexy as making love. It’s certainly just as intimate. I think it’s deep – like an act of devotion.

Women I think worry about the details of performing oral sex unnecessarily.
It’s like that old joke, ‘what do you call a bad blow job ?’
Answer: ‘Absolutely fantastic.’ Men are not that fussy.

Don’t head straight for the vital organ, be more playful. Take your time and tease him. Develop time for him to imagine what’s happening or going to happen in his mind. Don’t be too rough, or too fast. Imagine the same sort of rhythm as YOU like. Draw the alphabet or write your name with your tongue or your fingers.

If you’re not totally comfortable with the idea of doing it, put something on his penis, like honey, massage oil or shower gel (although soap tastes much worse than semen). You can have a swig of something strong to drink first. (Mint tea will feel fantastic.)

If you don’t want him to come in your mouth, just close your eyes, stay where you are and use your hand, just licking him occasionally, moving your mouth away at the last minute. I doubt if he’ll know where his come has gone, if you see what I mean.

One way of getting used to the taste, is to continue licking him, or start licking him, after he’s come, which is a great sensation for him and something I think many men don’t even know they want. After all, most of them are happy enough already if they’ve just come. and unlikely to ask for anything extra.

7. The importance of hand relief

Men, as women really should know by now, are actually horribly straightforward. Especially where sex is concerned especially. What they really want is just MORE. They want to feel they have a healthy sex life. (Nothing else bothers them more, especially if their buddies can boast that they do.)

In many ways, many couples have reached a stand-off – whereby, it’s privately acknowledged that the man wants more sex and the woman feels (rightly) justified
in not feeling the same way.
Personally I think there is nothing worse than having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to have sex; sex with a woman who is LETTING you have sex or make love to her. And I think most men would feel the same way – it’s humiliating. And no matter how they dress it up, men always know. It’s a nice thought BUT not really what men want.

Alot of times, all women have to do to avoid the sexual frustration and disappointment that can build up in men is just make them come. That’s all they want.

We all know how damaging it is if one person wants to and the other doesn’t and ends up lying there, huffing and puffing with frustration or annoyance.

Some times it’s just tension, just a need to have some kind of sex.

Women think it’s unfair that men expect them to ‘perform’ but what can men do about it ? The need has to go somewhere.

As my friend, Joseph admitted, “with us, it was becoming a regular thing. She’d go to sleep because she was tired or didn’t feel like it but I’d be dying to. I’d end up lying next to her, having a (handjob). I’d actually pretty awful about it. I didn’t even really enjoy it.”

And after all, isn’t a handjob/masturbating your man, a fairly harmless, un-invasive way of giving him some sexual relief. It could certainly help stop him looking elsewhere.

So turn him round, hold him and do it for him. Who knows, you may even turn yourself on in the process.

8. dirty sex

Sex to many men is the easiest way they have of expressing their love, and is genuinely better if it’s loving, romantic and tender.
But it’s also, to my mind, meant to wild, passionate and filthy.
As Woody Allen said, “is sex dirty ? Only if it’s done right.”

Sex is meant to get rid of barriers not create them. I think, ideally, yyou should be able to do anything to anyone, if they love you, and you love each other.

The feeling that you are having really dirty sex is a big turn on for men, even if they actually aren’t. Sex, as I said, is not about bodies as much as being about the mind. One of the most flirtatious things you can say to them, is “God, that’s so dirty.”

Again, it’s not necessarily about sexual gymnastics or anything perverted. You don’t need to buy a blindfold, just put your hand across his eyes or come up to him and whisper to him to close his eyes.

You can be in bed, naked, and get out of bed and put your high heels on. Drink some scotch and trickle it from your mouth in to his with a kiss. Touch yourself and then rub your finger across his lips, in his mouth.

In my mind, sucking someone’s finger is dirty – it seems dirty. If a man doesn’t like performing oral sex, put your hand between your legs and then let him suck your finger. When he goes down on you, use your fingers too. When you make love, if you both penetrate each other with your fingers, when you come, you will REALLY come.

I think kissing someone immediately after oral sex is really sexy. It’s raw. It makes a statement. It says, this is intended. This is passionate. You and me. If making love is good, making dirty love is really good.

9. I spy

Voyeurism is one of the easiest, most under-used, ways of livening up a man’s sex life, above all because, again, it makes use of their imagination.

Voyeurs love to be watched. One friend, Tony, told me how thrilling he found it when he and his wife were in a hotel opposite an office block and made love with the curtains open.

“I mentioned it over dinner and Carol said she had thought so too, and that night we ended up doing it actually against the windows.”

It was night, so I doubt if any-one saw them but it’s the thought that they MIGHT have.

Another friend, Paul, told me sometimes if they started having sex, his girlfriend would get out of bed and close the bathroom door, so that they could see each other in the mirror on the back of the door. If they were away in a hotel or at a friend’s house, she would sometimes take a mirror off the wall.

“Once we even did it on the mirror, which felt really great, really kinky, a bit dangerous.”

You don’t have to make run the risk. Instead of him closing his eyes while you kiss or have sex, make him keep them open. Make him watch what you’re doing. Make it obvious, you’re looking at him, especially when he comes. Watch his eyes or watch his penis.

Make him watch you as you masturbate him, or you masturbate yourself (a major male fantasy), or make him masturbate for you and watch. If nothing else, watching each other masturbate is actually a good education as to how they want you to do it.

10. returning the compliment

Finally, if you really can’t get a man to show you or talk to you about what he wants, try just copying him. I have a suspicion that often the things we do to someone else are actually what we want DONE.

I knew one girl who would always pinch my nipples, even though I never really responded to it. It took me a while to realise it was probably because doing it to her drove her crazy. Another girl used to kiss my eyes, which rather threw me, but she loved it when I did it to her.

Everyone has some sort of mannerism or gesture like this. It can be the way we position someone, or hold them, the way we kiss them. It must say something about what we want too.

Some of them probably reveal something quite powerful. For instance, if someone scratches you, pulls your hair slightly, or clasps your neck, it could that that’s what they want and they’re just (sub-consciously) giving you the idea.

Sex, after all, should be passionate, should be a powerful expression of an extreme desire. It’s OK to get carried away. A few aches and pains, bumps and bruises, and at least the next day you will have a reminder of what you got up to the night before.



Sometimes you wonder how women EVER learn anything about what men want sexually.

It’s certainly hard to imagine that men tell them, mainly because most of them don’t know . Some of them know that they want something – men always want something – but even if a man has something specific that he would like to be in his sex life, which I doubt many have, most of them would never say.

Men, let’s face it, are hopeless at talking about sex. They’re great at boasting about it, fantasising about it, complaining about it to their friends, but talking about it, especially to the person closest to them, is something else. The person they sleep with is actually the LAST person they would want to tell (too close to home).
None of the girls I talked to could ever recall ANY of the men they’d ever been with, specifically talking to them about what they would like.

And personally, I don’t blame them. I’m the same. Trying to let someone know what you want by telling them just spoils it. To my mind, I don’t want to have to say what you want. It’s not the same.

Sex is about the tension and thrill of not knowing what’s going to happen. The frisson of imagining and anticipating. Finding the person who knows what you want without having to say is sublime.

Men then end up leaving it to luck. Then of course they just get frustrated. They feel dissatisfied. They feel cheated. Eventually, somewhere down the line, they might even start cheating just to find it.

It’s ridiculous because alot of it is so obvious. So, all in all, it’s not surprisingly if women need some help – mainly because, where sex is concerned, and talking about sex is concerned, men need all the help they can get.