100. Steroids

Tapehead no 100 

Some regular viewers of the phenomenon that is Planet Brookside have become concerned about Mick from the pizza parlour and the example he’s been setting his son, Our Leo.

They say his steroid abuse is out of control and ruining Mick’s previously jovial nature (give or take three for four acts of jovial random violence).

But Mick has already dealt with one crisis, reacting to the news that Leo was being bullied with exemplary parental restraint, telling him, “train yourself, lad. Get yourself strong and beat the crap out of him.”

This week he “goes ballistic” when he discovers the Simpsons’ knocked-off computer in Our Leo’s bedroom. 

“You’re nothing but a wimp,” he mutters between gritted teeth, furrowing his brow and getting his Actin Man Eagle Eyes working furiously.

Like Mad Mick, Mad Mick Junior is now banging steroids himself. 

“I don’t know what they are,” Leo says, “but they haven’t done me Dad any harm,” demonstrating the same razor-sharp thinking as his dad.

The incest scandal continues apace. Nat (played by Jamie Redknapp) is outed by Julie’s fat dad, a giant Weeble who out-Weebles even Patricia Farnham.

The miraculous thing is that the writers still can’t make Nat interesting which is pretty remarkable considering that not only is he now suddenly gay, but he’s having sex with his sister at the same time. 

His sister Georgia is suddenly almost as randy as Susannah (and trust me, that’s pretty bloody randy).

“You know Georgia is always there for you, Nat,” says Jamie Redknapp’s mum, nudge-nudging and wink-winking her heart out. (Believe me, if there’s one thing Nat knows, it’s that.)

Leo’s mate Tinhead has hacked into the stolen computer and solved the mystery of Bel Simpson’s shady past. 

“I might knock over there and see if she fancies having a go at me,” the little rascal laughs. “I prefer more mature women – they’re more grateful.”

Two big questions remain: who will get snuffed out first – Our Leo or Sammy’s daughter Your Louise ? And what is Eddie Izzard doing playing Sinbad’s girlfriend Fee ?

Perhaps Mad Mick will change his ways when he see Short Stories: Strongman, and realises that steroids aren’t the only way to get muscly.

Valentin Dikul was told he would never walk again after his trapeze act went wrong and he broke his spinal cord (clumsy !). For five years, he couldn’t move, but studied anatomy and began the exercises and weights that eventually made him one of the most extraordinary strongmen in the world, crawling to change the weights.

Like a shaggy Russian version of Chelsea chairman Ken Bates, or fat scouser Jan Molby, we see Dikul today, bending 50p coins with his bare hands and carrying a two-ton car on this back (pretty useful).

Paralysed British skier Matthew Stockard goes to the Dikul Rehabilitation Centre hoping to learn how to walk again.

“Hold me as if you love me,” Dikul tells him, which Stockard obviously already does. Dikul may be a strong bastard, but whether he can run a pizza parlour as well as Mick does remains debatable.

Mick pops up again in the new series of Homicide: Life On The Street as Lieutenant Meldrick Lewis.

Ned Beatty and Daniel Baldwin are absent making movies, but there’s a new arson detective, and Mick Hucknall as female Detective Kay Howard.

Munch, Giardello and Bayliss are all sporting back-to-school new haircuts.

Otherwise not much has changed. There’s banter about smoking and social digression from Pemberton, this week about a man who glued his daughter’s eyelids together.

You can’t beat it.


Dancing In The Street: Sat, 9.15pm-10.15pm, BBC2
Coming Of Age – Grey Sex: Tues, 9pm-10pm, BBC2
If I Were Prime Minister: Mon, 8pm-8.30pm, C4