232. Tapehead Q&A

Tapehead Q&A

by Rosanna Greenstreet

(Weekend Guardian)

1.  What is your idea of perfect happiness ?

Staying up with three baby bottles of Absolut and a two-part episode of The Vice 

2.  What is your greatest fear ?

Wet Wet Wet reforming 

3.  With which historical figure do you most identify and why ?

Thomas Jerome Newton: The Man Who Fell To Earth

4.  Which living person do you most admire and why ?

Diego Armando Maradona. He’s Maradona dummy

5.  What is the trait you most deplore in yourself ?

Being too nice to Lindsey Corkhill

6.  What is the trait you most deplore in others ?

Liking The Beatles

7.  What has been your most embarrassing moment ?

Being caught watching 999

8.  What vehicles do you own ?

Black leather reclining TV viewing chair on chrome casters

9.  What is your greatest extravagance ?

Sunglasses

10. What objects do you always carry with you ?

TV remote

11. Where would you like to live ?

In the people’s republic of Cuba 

12. What makes you depressed ?

Seeing ex-contestants like Darius or Penny from Big Brother appearing in other shows on TV

13. What do you most dislike about your appearance ?

You name it…

14. What is your most unappealing habit ?

Swearing at Carol Smillie 

15. What is your favourite smell ?

Mrs Tapehead’s X

16. What is your favourite word ?

Narcotic, or nonchalance, or non 

17. What is your favourite building ?

Hotel 17 in New York (17^th Street & 2^nd)

18. What is your favourite journey ?

Any plane that’s flying out of here

19. What is your favourite book ?

‘Herzog’ by Saul Bellow 

20. What is your favourite fantasy ?

Being resuscitated by Tina from Casualty 

21. Do you believe in monogamy ?

It depends who with 

22. What or who is the greatest love of your life ?

The Clash 

23. Which living person do you most despise and why ?

Thatcher

24. What do you consider the most overrated virtue ?

Being a DJ

25. Have you ever said “I love you” without meaning it ?

Of course not (men don’t say it even when they do mean it)

26. Which words or phrases do you most overuse ?

“I’ve got it on tape”

27. What is your greatest regret ?

That handguns are not legal in this country 

28. When and where were you happiest ?

Any hotel room when the TV was on

29. How do you relax ?

By watching The Sopranos, playing football, having sex, drinking baby bottles of Absolut (pair any two) 

30. How often do you have sex ?

Night and day

31. What single thing would improve the quality of your life ?

Sex in the afternoon

32. What would your motto be ?

“I’ll try anything twice”

33. What keeps you awake at night ?

Watching television

34. How would you like to die ?

Violently

35. Do you believe in life after death ?

No thank you 

36. How would you like to be remembered ?

As the person responsible for driving Richard E. Grant back to Swaziland 

37. What is the most important lesson life has taught you ?

If at first you don’t succeed, give up

ends

‘Interference: Tapehead versus Television’ is published by Atlantic Books ‘