123. Erotica

Tapehead no 123

After the generous response to last week’s appeal, Tapehead has been forced to admit that his consumption of ‘Cake’ has gone too far.

Strange, hallucinogenic, creatures have been floating across his eyes, his perverted libido run riot, and he has started imagining things.

Just the other night for example, he was hearing voices telling him about “creatures with penises as big as their bodies.”

The penises were then released and sent “homing in on the female like missiles.”

He was hearing stories of “an erotic dancer with a penis inside its mouth, a penis sharp enough to harpoon its own food.”

Sadly, said erotic dancer was not one of the performers appearing at Tapehead’s local lap-dance venue, but a flatworm appearing on Exotica And Erotica Of The Deep.

Yes, Channel 4 are at it again, with a sort of underwater version of Crash that makes the Karmasutra look like a family planning guide.

The paper nautilus mollusk for example, may only be a centimetre long but he has a huge, mobile penis – wrapped in a sac on this head. According to the narrator, upon finding that the female of the species “doesn’t have a reproductive organ”, the mollusk, not to be deterred, simply detaches his penis and “sticks it up her nostril.”

An example to all of us confronted with adversity, and a terrific advert for the wonder of nasal sex.

Actually, the flatworm has two penises.

“What a graceful, amazing, creature !” coos the narrator, watching it spiraling around in the water.

“What a lucky bastard !” rage male viewers in particular.

Elsewhere, we see gangbanging turtles towing each other along by the penis, “group spawning” (which is not as much fun as it sounds), and sea snakes getting love-bites. (To Tapehead’s dismay, sea snakes, like whale sharks, also have two penises.)

We see film-maker Reg Lipsom recording and amplifying the moans and groans the creatures make during lovemaking. (“Oh yes, yes, yessssss !” moans the sea snake.)

Mind you, Tapehead found Reg’s interest in the sea cucumber’s anus frankly unhealthy.

There’s a missed opportunity to make nasal sex jokes at weasel Jeff Bank’s expense on the increasingly unfunny Mrs Merton Show.

“We all love The Clothes Show, don’t we girls ?” she coos.

Well, we used to – before they changed the theme tune and turned it into a programme about make-up.

You’d have thought the programme’s title would have given them a clue.

Seriously Funny has the same problem. It’s not funny and you can’t take it seriously.

“This programme – in case you hadn’t noticed – is about the intimate relationship comedy enjoys with the phallus,” announces pompous presenter Howard Jacobson. 

Actually, Howard, we had noticed. It was all those clips of funny phalluses in unfunny comedy sketches that gave the game away. That, and the opening title Where There’s A Fool, There’s A Phallus.

Further clips of everyone from Aristophanes to Charlie Chaplin and Chubby Brown fail to enlighten us as to what the hell Howard, through all his tautology and sophistry, is trying to say.

“It is from the phallus that comedy gets its idea of itself,” he drones. “Comedy is a civilized alternative to sacrifice,” and so on.

“Clown. Comedian. Zany penis…Why split hairs?” he asks. 

Why indeed ? Or why not ? Who knows?

Perhaps taking his hands out of his pockets while he’s talking might have helped him look less of a wanker.

“If there wasn’t a phallus I will be arguing, there wouldn’t be comedy. If there wasn’t a phallus, I hear you say, there wouldn’t be anything. Very droll. My views are subtler.”

Fuck off, Howard. Is that subtle enough for you ?


Exotica And Erotica Of the Deep: Sun, 8pm, C4

The Mrs Merton Show: Fri, 10.20pm, BBC1

Seriously Funny: Tues, 9pm, C4