124. Soapy

Tapehead no 124

Tapehead has been straight for months now, but this week, he has once again succumbed to temptation, quit the cake, and gone back on the soap.

A Coronation Street-style cull is well overdue on EastEnders.

Get rid of Pauline, Ted Hills, and George, Peggy’s fake-gangster boyfriend. Get rid of the pirate-radio boys (whatever their names are), the whitest black jungle DJ and the Welshest Welshman on television.

As for Martin, only days after his first speaking role, he’s already on the rob. If we don’t get rid of him soon, he’ll be raping and pillaging. Send him off to borstal – for some Sleepers treatment. 

As for Alistair the God Squad Snogger, and Frankie The Man-Killing Lizard (who’s not good-looking enough to tempt with heterosexuals, gays or clergymen), they can to too, preferably together. In tomorrow’s omnibus, Alistair’s followers give him a birthday cake covered with candles.

“Now blow !” Frankie tells him, with the sort of ease that only comes from experience.

Getting rid of Lorraine, or, as we call her in Tapehead’s household, That-Bitch-Lorraine, is more difficult. This week, Lorraine is not sure if shoe should worry about Joe reading the Bible. 

“It’s good to see him having an interest,” she witters brightly, prompting Tapehead to give her some advice. Where Joe is concerned, if in doubt, worry. It’s good for him to have an interest that’s NORMAL not PSYCHOTIC. 

Taking after his dim-witted, bleating bitch of a mother, Joe is also worrying:  

“How will I know if I do start getting ill again ?” 

Well…Motorways, window ledges, mirrors and TV screens covered in tin foil and gaffer tape, rocking back and forward next to the Zanussi…You know. Okay ?

This week, Tiff and Bianca are reunited. Tiff is ready to drop. Grant rakes the plunge, and Sanjay and Gita consider IVF treatment. (Is it any wonder Sanjay can’t get it up when he’s married to his grandmother ? Get rid of Gita Sanjay.) Tony comes over all maternal – but still reckons he might not be gay after all.

“What are you doing?” Tony groans the morning after a heavy night out. 

“Bad head ?” jeers Simon. 

“No, I quite enjoyed it actually…”

The big question is: will Tiff’s baby make it through he first episode ? Have your hankie ready.

More tears and traumas in Brookside as the Corkhills finally get to bury Our Little Jimmy. Jackie drops the bombshell.

There’s no culling necessary in Brookside (although Jack Sullivan, Cassie and Our Elaine can go) and his month, the whole cast go into therapy (and so do the audience). 

Even therapy doesn’t stop Bel from moaning.

“It’s like the whole family’s on trial,” she clucks. Looking as if she’s speaking with a piece of rotten lemon in her mouth as always, “We’re all in the dock,” she gasps, even though she’s the one accusing Ollie and Ollie’s dad of corrupting Nat and Georgia (as if such a thing were possible). 

Now we know why Ollie’s got that train set in the garage.

(“Would you like come and play with my train set ?”)

The big question in this family of sex maniac is: who will Ollie molest next? 

“I’ve just been watching a horde of teenage boys building up a sweat,” he mocks, with rather more fervour than can be wise, really. He doth protest too much, Tapehead thinks, and so does she.

They are both after Daniel. 

“Don’t tell me I’m not old enough to understand,” he whines to Ollie, “I am old enough” – a dangerous declaration in the circumstances.

“Come here,” coos Bel, giving him a hug (a rather big hug) after Daniel asks if Ollie’s moved out because he’s having an affair. (With Matthew ? Or Emily ?)

Daniel is the one to watch from now on (the albino rabbit impersonation will stop).

Already the most fucked-up member of the whole family, in years (or months?) to come, Daniel will make Nat and Georgia look like amateurs.


EastEnders: Sun, 1.30pm, BBC1

Brookside: Sat, 5.50pm, C4