93. Colours

Tapehead no 93

This week’s most unlikely, unmissable, pairing comes on Wednesday as Andrew Neil gets to say: “Yeah, whassup, baby, how ya livin’, homeboy, word up, G, know what I’m sayin’ ? This week, I’m chillin’, just kickin’ it, with my man Ice-T, in the place to be.”

All in his unappealingly abrasive Scottish accent.

The reason Neil has got Ice over is obvious: he wants to know how to get away with wearing old medallions and calling women “bitches.”

Saturday afternoon sees MC Barry Davies on the mic for FA Cup final Grandstand. Tapehead only hopes Barry doesn’t try for a repeat of the time he tried comparing players’ names with the role they play – most notably Nicky Butt: “A conjunction, a linking together.” 

If Barry does feel the need, Tapehead suggest exclaiming: “I can’t believe it’s not Butty !”

This year’s compellingly leisurely pre-match build-up includes Team News at 12.05pm, Meet The Teams, and of course the fascinatingly pointless Pitch Inspection. 

We are also treated to a special penalty shoot-out featuring members of the 1977 Liverpool and Man United Cup Final team.

In Fair Game, Greg Dyke claims scouts at schoolboy matches are “looking for the new Andy Cole.” Whether they’d sign him if they found him could depend on how he does on Saturday.

Dyke focuses on two 12-year-old prodigies, Schoolboy Footballer Of The Year Sonny Pike, and Scott Parker, the ball-juggling kid in the McDonalds’ ad. 

Although they’re signed to Orient and Charlton Athletic respectively, their parents are already coming under heavy pressure from the big clubs for them to defect when they reach 16.

Oldham are refusing to play youth games against Man United, and not just because they always get stuffed: United poached their last star player. On the other hand, who the hell wants to play for Oldham or Orient ?

Sonny is obviously a natural Red. He plays with his shirt un-tucked, wears his hair long, and hangs out with Danniella Westbrook at award ceremonies. The new Lee Sharpe ? Let’s hope so. 

His dad describes school football as “a meat market”, while Sonny sits there proudly wearing his Man United away kit, dropping Alex Ferguson a ‘come and get me’ plea (or ‘come and poach me’ plea).

Scott Parker’s dad describes scouts as “leeches” and wonders whether Scott “needs an agent to help him look after his affairs.” 

He’s too young for those surely ?

The most unconvincing pairing of the week is prison dentist Julia Ormond and lusty lifer Tim Roth in the “dark, tremendously erotic” Screen Two: Captives.

Keith Allen and Colin Salmon pop up doing their usual psycho schtick, with Salmon getting the best line: “She’d better do it or I’m gonna send her a nightmare.”

Neither Roth nor Ormond make their characters’ motivations for the dangerous liaison very clear and the entire concept is rather improbable – the sight of Ormond in her white doctor’s coat and surgical gloves would be enough to have prisoners knocking each other’s teeth out to get some, erm, treatment. (Or “endless adjustments” as she calls it.)

Roth does his “I’m so cool”/Murder In The Heartland number. 

(His T-shirt and jeans cost a fortune, while his stubble remains perfect throughout.)

All in all, both characters seem rather charmless, although the merits of finger-sucking haven’t been explored so thoroughly since Juliette Lewis in Cape Fear.

The star of the show is the director who lights up Wandsworth nick to look fabulous. Apparently, Roth still failed to conquer his fear of jails. 

“I’m terrified I’m going to end up in one,” he says in the press release. “Especially in America, where it’s pretty feasible.”

Have bad accents and trying to be hard become crimes in the US ? Let’s hope so.


The Andrew Neil Show: Weds, 2.10pm, BBC2

FA Cup Final Grandstand: Sat, 12noon, BBC1

Fair Game: Mon, 8pm, C4

Screen Two: Captives: Sat, 9.45pm, BBC2