98. Devils

Tapehead no 98 

You’ve heard the laughter of the contagious Devil, the demon of restless vaginas, cynical, romantic Satan…My prick glows with Pluto’s ember.  I’ll negative-breed all of you, fill you with the scented slobber of the Higher Unthinker’s Dobermans…

Yes, Brookside is still with us, although Tapehead is sad to say that this week’s is a rather tame affair certainly compared to Venus Fire, part of the Latino Nights series on Channel 4. (Where else ?)

Brookside’s own version of Satan – Jimmy Corkhill – is back. Jimmy’s been Down South and come back addicted to honest grafting. It’s amazing what the effect of a few weeks Down South can have on a Scouser.

There are worrying signs of sensible storylines breaking out in Brookside, particularly Max’s three-way tug-of-love. As Sammy puts it: “He’s getting it from all different at sides at the moment. Susannah, Patricia, David Crosby…” 

Him too, eh ? Max really is a sex maniac.

It’s gratifying to see that Our Leo is getting to be almost as big and as stupid as his dad. When Jimmy asks him for a job, Mick complains: “Do you think I’m thick or something ?”

Ten minutes later, he gives him the job anyway. So I guess that answers that one then eh Mick ?

Made in 1992 as a kind of public health warning to prostitutes and their clients against the dangers of Aids, Venus Fire carries the rare distinction of being even more bonkers that Brookside – a truly bizarre mix of lurid porn footage, slasher-movie imagery, and cheap Brazilian soap about a mythological brothel-keeper’s battle against the demon monster Celso Aids.

There’s a killer on the loose in EastEnders too as “Pat is nervous about retaking her driving test.” Not half as nervous as the pedestrian members of the public in Walford are.

“Gawd I can’t remember the last time I felt this bad,” sighs poor Fat Pat Cabs. “Oh yes I do – when I got sent down.”

“She’s going down that test centre if I have to lift her bodily,” says Roy.

“I’d like to see that !” laughs David, taking the words right out of Tapehead’s mouth.

“It’s Pat. There’s something not right about her. She’s evil,” says Joe, a man who knows satanic wallpaper when he sees it.

“All that talk about cars and deaths,” coos Pat chirpily, the day after Joe’s wobbler. “No wonder it got him upset.”

It’s all going on: Tiffany and Grant, Carol and Alan, Michael and Iris, Mark and Celso Aids, Cindy and Any Man In Trousers…

What Tapehead really want to know though is why Tony never has any trousers on when he talks to Simon.

More bogeymen in Clash Of the Titans which looks at the 1988 Wimbledon-Liverpool Cup Final: the Crazy Gang vs. the Culture Club, the Aristocrats vs. the Underclass – part of the BBC’s famous archive of pro-Liverpool bias.

Liverpool were resplendent with great talents: Hansen, Barnes, Beardsley. Not to mention Nigel Spackman.

“No doubt about it,” says ITV’s highly paid expert Bob Wilson. “It will finish four or five-nil, possibly more.” Cue loud chorus of: “where’s your double gone ?”

Don’t miss the Wimbledon lads putting the shits up Kenny Dalglish in the tunnel at Wembley.

Apparently the Liverpool players thought Wimbledon’s war-cry “Yiddahoe” was “In the hole” – a reference to Vinnie Jones’s threat to “tear off Kenny Dalglish’s ear and spit in the hole.”

“If Wimbledon can get into the first division, there is surely no achievement beyond our reach,” said Mrs Thatcher – speaking of evil.

ends

Brookside Omnibus: Sat, 5.05pm-6.30pm, C4

EastEnders: Mon 8pm-8.30pm, Tues & Thurs 7.30pm-8pm, BBC1

Clash Of The Titans: Mon, 9.45pm-10.30pm, BBC2

Venus Fire: Mon, 11.40pm-12.25am, C4