95. Georgia

Tapehead no 95

News that Mother Teresa was abandoning the homeless cripples and orphans of Calcutta in order to concentrate her energies on the city of Liverpool may have come as a surprise to some people, but not Tapehead.

Anyone who lives anywhere near Planet Brookside needs all the help they can get.

Take our Lindsey for example, at the start of today’s Omnibus, explaining to her mum why she’s going to go back to sleeping with loathsome drug-dealer /rapist/whining redhead, Gary. 

“I’ll have to !” (Er…why ?!?)

“Are you just gonna go back to him and pretend it never happened ?” shouts an exasperated Jackie Corkhill, conveniently forgetting she’s still attached to Our Jimmy, brazenly failing to arrange the words kettle, black, and pot in the right order.

Tapehead would never say that when Gary battered and raped Our Lindsey that she was asking for it. He’ll leave that to Brookside’s idea of A Strong Woman, Bev. 

“She was asking for trouble. She’s only got herself to blame.”

“But he couldn’t have raped her !” shouts an exasperated Ron. “He’s her husband for God’s sake.”

Such a lovely couple The Dixons. Not even Mother Teresa could help them.

But even the Dixons are better than the Simpsons, who appear to have wandered into the wrong series, hopelessly lost on the way home from Hollyoaks.

Gorgeous Georgia is still standing about in doorways, pouting furiously at her brother with the subtlety of the girl in the Flake advert. Georgia really is asking for it.

Tragically (bewilderingly), though, Nat doesn’t want to give her it – on the rather pedantic grounds that she’s his sister – and instead tries to get her back together with her husband, Martin (Wimbledon number 9, Dean Holdsworth), a style guru to rank right up there with the axe player from Spandau Ballet.

Part of the reason they broke up, Martin confides to Nat, was…Nat.

“You must have set some standards !” he says, the words “nudge-nudge” and “wink-wink” hovering on his lips.

Now Tapehead has long suspected in-breeding to be rampant in Liverpool (just look at Robbie Fowler and Steve McManamananananananananan ) but isn’t this sort of remark a bit rich ?

Thank God Susannah’s back and randier than ever, usurping Patricia “Weebles Wobble But They Don’t Fall Down” Farnham, working on Max (Tim Sherwood) with the sort of womanly attributes that Patricia could certainly never offer him.

“Things are different to how they were before,” Susannah pouts, winningly. “If you sign this, I’ll make sure it’s the best thing you’ve ever done, I promise,” she pants/sighs/pushes the contract across the table.

And what a celebration. To his credit, Max, doe-eyed and helpless, tries to warn her (“what if David comes back?”) but to no avail.

When Bing does come back and catches them at it, he can’t help but ask him: “What is it, Max? Do you get some sort of kick, running willy-nilly between women ?”

Running willy-nilly is precisely the sort of kick Max is interested in. (And who can blame him ?)

Our Sammy is already well in there, of course, and doesn’t Georgia Simpson look a bit like Susannah ? And what about Our Lindsey ? She doesn’t seem very fussy. No wonder Max looks dead tired.

Thank heavens for mad Mick, wandering around like a refugee from Chuck Norris film, teeth gritted, brow frowned, bullet belt splayed across his bare chest. Mick – pumped up on steroids and barely comprehensible – is storming round the Close, tearing people limb from limb, muttering about how ‘one day a rain is gonna fall and wipe the scum off the streets.’

Let’s hope that day is soon and he starts with the Simpsons.


Brookside: 5.05pm, Sat; 8.30pm, Tue; 8pm, Wed, C4