144. EastEndeurs

Tapehead no 144 

Grant looks down at the menu, raises his Nookie Bear eyebrows, and tuts: “This is all in French !”

Yes, EastEndersis on its travels for another one-week special. It’s almost as good as when they went to Ibiza, or thought they had ended up in Calais for Ricki’s stag-night but were in fact in Kent. 

The boys are staying at the Hotel Gustave Flaubert, which shows you just how good this special is.

Phil is looking forward to it already.

“Anyone starts looking down their nose at me,” he says to Grant. “They’re in for a good kicking.” 

Or as they say in French une bonne kickeeng.

Grant is enjoying himself too.

“Brilliant or what ?!” squeals Tiffany with excitement (a being abroad).

“Act your age…” Grant just mumbles back.

This is not to say they’re all getting on.

“S’abaht time you grew up !” shouts Grant.

“S’abaht time you shut up !” replies his bruvver.

Kaff and the Goddess Tiffany have abandoned their babies at the first opportunity and Rick-ay and Bianc-ah are staying with Ricky’s sister Diane, who after several years out of the series has blossomed into a young Myra Hindley and is a glowing ad for motherhood to boot. 

“A 36-hour labour ! I had an epidural, forceps, stirrups, the works !” she says enthusiastically. “I ended up ripped to shreds. Enough stitches to sew up the Bayeux tapestry, the nurse said,” which is certainly more detail than we needed.

She has shock news that Rick-ay is not as thick as we had thought he was.

“He just got this label put on him when he was young and he believed it,” she says, which suggests we were actually right in the first place. (You can still see the label on the back of his jacket from time to time.)

Bianca is worried she might be up the duff (or going to have a “bay-bay”, as she puts it) and becoming as close to Nell Dunn’s Poor Cow as you can get.

“It’s not the end of the weld !” the Goddess Tiff consoles her. “Have you been sick at all ?”

“Well I ain’t puked if that’s what you mean.”

Bianca also seems to be saving up for an arse or an ‘orse. (Actually it’s an ‘ouse.)

The main event is the lovely Lorna and Phil, who is cracking under the strain. He is dying to go on une bendeur and is acting so hard his face keeps fluctuating through the myriad shades of the rainbow (from puce to crimson). 

He’s suffering so much guilt about what he’d done to Kaff that he could teach The Bad Lieutenant a thing or two. (The Bad Mechanic ?)

“You don’t know Lorna, do you ?” he cries to his bruvver. “No you don’t. So shut yer marff.”

In fact Lorna has written Phil a letter and of course Kath wants to know what it says.

“It’s full of the sort of stuff a drunk person says,” Phil explains helpfully. (Things like: “Hic, burp, belch, Johnnie Walker’s, puke” presumably)

“Lorna’s a bit loopy,” he explains, coming over all romantic. “She gets…upset. I think she’s fallen off the wagon, she could do anyfink.”

Let’s hope no one’s bought baby Ben a pet rabbit.

More proof (if proof were needed) that All Men Are Snakes also turns up on Ricki Lake.

Brigitte, Tanisha, And Riel (don’t ask) all believe that men are rats, will lie at any opportunity, and are only interested in sex – so what is this week’s controversial debating point is anyone’s guess. 

“Where you lookin’ fo’ yo’ men ?!” demands one male defender, as if he’s going to whomp them.

Tanisha in particular makes Rosie Perez look shy and retiring. 

“Every guy in the universe is a dawg,” she says with authority.

Hank Hill, of course, is an exception, as King Of The Hill confirms.

His meeting with his hero, Willie Nelson, truly stirs the soul.

“Hey Haank,” Willie Nelson greets him. “Your son Bobby’s been telling me all ‘bout you. I hear you like playing guitar and that you’ve got a narrow urethra.”

Hank wonders why his son can’t turn his energy into something useful – “like that boy wit no legs that ran across Canada.”

But he bonds with him like the good man that he is.

“Now I’m going to show you something you can do with a guitar that doesn’t involve cheese.”

Back in EastEnders by the end of the week, Grant and the goddess Tiffany are getting all romantic.

Tiffany reveals that as children, she and her brother Simon used to play ‘kings and queens.’

“I bet you did,” mutters Grant. “I won’t ask who was who…”

Grant is “Louis the Whatever” to Tiffany’s Marie Antoinette. She just wants Grant to woo her, to offer anything she desires.

“All right then,” Grant concedes romantically. “How about a beer ?” 

Tiff, Tapehead will woo you any time you like.


EastEnders: Mon-Fri, 7.30 & 8pm, BBC1

Ricki Lake: Weds, 3.05am, C4

King Of The Hill: Fri, 10.30pm, C4