127. Jesus

Tapehead no 127 

“The only thing I insist on,” says the editor, “are stories that matter, good, honest reporting, local issues, affecting local people. Y’see, I really think we can make a difference…”

Luckily, The Guide has got better things to worry about: namely, what’s on television.

Ignoring all the people urging Tapehead to cover an obscure programme about a burial place in the Scottish highlands (some nonsense called Charnel Fife), Tapehead turns, as usual, to EastEnders, with celebrates Easter with an extra episode of sin and sensation.

As you can see from the opening quote, Tony  “It Is, Are You ?” Hills has gone for a job on The Walford Gazette. 

Although why he goes along wearing a policeman’s jacket is anyone’s guess.

At least his sister Sarah had been reading Tapehead. Her one-woman mission to work her way through Tapehead’s hit list is coming along nicely.

After Ed (Mr Happy) Hills and Alistair, the shag-happy preacher, we can only hope she’s set her sights on Sanjay’s hairy pet troll, Gita.

Sarah has also been renting Abel Ferrara films. 

“Where were you?” she cries up at a statue of Jesus, in one scene eerily reminiscent of Bad Lieutenant. “Where the fuck were you? You fuck.”

She has obviously also seen Ms 45: Angel Of Vengeance. “We’ve done our talking and I’m ready to do this,” she declares, throwing her jacket off and kicking down the door of Alistair’s rather liberal (or should that, literal) interpretation of the Sunday service.

God, Sarah has concluded, does not exist. 

“Do you want to know where God is Sarah ?” asks the latest trendy young vicar to try and curry her favour (as it were). “I think he was in those flowers. (In the bushes.) He’s the gap between what is said and unsaid, between thinking and doing.”

“Where do I look for him?” says Sarah, obviously not listening. (In the bushes.)

Sarah spends most of the week displaying a dazzling range of emotions – from scowling to frowning from bug-eyed consternation to really bug-eyed consternation. Her bulging eyes become so scary and scowly, her resemblance to the baby at the end of Angel Heart is frightening. And frankly her new grunge look just doesn’t suit her.

Her criminal track record is coming along nicely – for a virgin: drugs, shoplifting, femme fatale-ing her way into several indecent assaults. “An ungodly chaos”, as Alistair calls her. Anyone who turns to Joe (Peter Andrew) when they’re in trouble is obviously potty.

Elsewhere, Tiff organises blood test to determine Courtney’s parentage. (Tapehead’s hunch is that it was Simon – evidence of the growing influence of Nat and Georgia.) 

Kaff is concerned about Ed, who seems to be auditioning for a job in The Sweeney by shouting “No!” every time someone speaks to him.

And Peggy asks Grant “how she’s ever gonna have a boyfriend, if you keep frightening them off” – not talking about Claire or That-Bitch-Lorraine, but Courtney. We know they like ’em young in the East End, but this ridiculous.

According to the BBC, in The Jesus Conspiracy “legal reporter, David Jessel, faces his toughest challenge yet.”

He certainly does. Trying to get Jesus off. Fortunately he reconsiders his initial, rather controversial conclusion (he got what he deserved) after uncovering evidence that Jesus was in fact stitched up by the West Midlands CID.

Love Life reaches the last stage in Dr Jane Reibstein’s recipe for staying in love through the highs and lows of life”. After protection, Balance, Focus, and Gratitude, this week: Blowjobs.

Finally, in Before They Were Famous, Angus Deayton trawls the archives to find compromising clips of stars before they were young (the likes of Bowie, Jagger and foxy news hounds Anna Ford and Kate Adie). A 14-year-old Naomi Campbell waggles her tail on The Keith Harris Show. 

Though it’s co-written by Deayton with Danny Baker, we still get to see Deayton’s embarrassing Crunchy Nut Cornflake commercial. 

Bizarrely, no funny clips featuring Danny Baker could be found.

ends

Love Life: Sun, 7.30pm, C4

The Jesus Conspiracy: Sun,10.50pm, BBC1

EastEnders: Mon, 7pm & 8pm, BBC1

Before They Were Famous: Mon, 9pm, BBC1