90. Attorney

Tapehead no 90

Thank God for Murder One, or, as Tapehead calls it, The Ten Commandments Of Teddy. 

This week’s Thought For The Day is as follows: 

“The real measure of a man is what he does when no one else is looking,” which if true, means Tapehead’s in a lot of trouble. 

As the series unravels, or rather, given all the twist and turns of the plot, reveals, Teddy is looking more and more like a cross between one of the monks out of Kung Fu and a Dalek (we never see his feet). 

Tapehead can’t help thinking of him as Hellraiser without a head full of cocktail sticks.

All that Dalek work has certainly had an effect: Uncle Ted has the mother of all sore throats as he growls out pearls like “loose lips sink ships.” 

Not exactly profound but still. No wonder creepy psychiatrist Graham Lester is running rings round him.

His case conferences are fast becoming a joke, with the Tedster reduced to things like “We’re in full damage control here, people” and “We’re out of here.”

This week, someone in the office is leaking things to The Connie Dahlgren Show. (“The culprit’s defence ? There was this incredible woman. I mean…breasts.”)

Richard Cross continues as the hammiest Satan since Robert De Niro twiddled his moustache and peeled boiled eggs in Angel Heart.

Sadly, we have to put up with even more of Henry and Fay from Hill Street Blues. 

Given that it’s called the Goldilocks murder case, could it be we’re looking for three bears ?

The lawyer/guru in This Life is the enigmatic O’Donnell but he’s no match for Teddy, although his intentions regarding Milly (Amita Dhirit) are surely (understandably) far from honourable.

In football terms this week’s is an episode of two halves. With her boyfriend, Egg, off his game, Milly is on fire (on heat) – getting a late equalizer to take her score on the giving and receiving of blowjobs to 1-1. (Not that Tapehead is keeping count, although in the orgasm stakes surely not even she can catch up with Delilah, who is still shagging away like a pneumatic drill.)

Tapehead only hopes that Milly doesn’t get Egg on her face.

This week’s episode starts (as usual) with sex in bed – namely Egg having a wank rather than satisfy Milly. Understandably, people tell him he needs counselling.

The sight of Egg making the letters MUFC out of paperclips brought tears of pride to Tapehead’s eyes.

Egg eventually goes to the shrink and tells her that what he really wants to be is “a Man United, a Liverpool, a Newcastle even… It’s just hard realising you’re destined to be a sodding Chelsea. You know, middle of the table. Bags of potential, but never quite realising it. I mean, how do they keep going ? How do teams like that keep people believing in them year after year ?”

One of life’s great mysteries to be sure…

Court TV’s real-life lawyers are disappointingly ordinary by comparison, although defence lawyer Craig Williams looks and sounds enjoyably like McCloud.

The case this week concerns a white supremacist, George Loeb, who shot a black marine, telling him: “Go back to Africa or Oklahoma, or wherever it is you come from.”

White supremacists never were very good at geography. 

The court was shown a TV interview in which George says any white man committing a violent crime against a black man was “pretty noble” as far as he was concerned. (Nice going George).

He said whites were going to multiply, “increase our numbers while decreasing the number of our racial enemies, hopefully to the point where the white race occupies all the land of this earth suitable for rehabilitation.”

Hey, it could happen. But he’s going to have to know a lot of Delilahs and Millys.

Murder One: Tue, 9pm, BBC2

This Life: Mon, 9.45pm, BBC2

Court TV: Sat, 11pm, BBC2