51. Matrimony

Tapehead no 51

“Gabriel, when we stood there in the church did you inject that morning ? Before the ceremony ?”

Oh dear. It’s not a good week for marriage, but then it never is in Revelations.

Poor Rachel (the dumb frump). Last week she had to forgive Gorgeous Gabriel for snogging his best friend (Thomas), this week it’s addiction to methadone. Marriage ! It’s just one thing after another, isn’t it ? 

“That’s what heroin teaches you best,” Gabriel points out, helpfully. “Lying.”

Rachel spend the week sobbing, sniveling, spluttering, and shaking (all at once !) exclaiming “Methadone!” in horrified tones, as if she’s just heard the washing machine pack up again. 

“Heroin !” she shrieks, “Or DO you call it smack, or crack, or some exciting name like that?”

This week Rachel has to face the fact Gabriel was bombed out of his mind when he proposed to her (which, frankly, is no surprise to anyone). Rachel is struggling though to forgive Gabriel’s mother the vicar’s wife (Judy Loe) for helping Gabriel’s mother. (Tapehead suspects she is struggling to forgive Rachel for sleeping with her son more often than she does.)

Judy, of course, remains cool. 

“You talk as if I enjoyed injecting my own son…”

Until recently, Tapehead saw Revelations as a kind of racy, throwaway cross between Bouquet Of Barbed Wire and Triangle, but last week’s (chilling) overdose scene looked more like a religious allegory worthy of Pasolini. Gabriel on the cross; needles for stigmata. Suddenly everything is clear

More matrimonial difficulties in Cutting Edge, a gloriously patronising stitch up of three couples (Old Money, New Money, and No Money) about to tie the knot.

Christopher, a merchant banker (rhyming slang), proposed to Elizabeth on bended knee/ski, spent his stag night at Annabel’s and staged his wedding reception at The Ritz. He’s the sort of stiff-upper-lipped, totally clueless toff whose morning coat has worn out through over-use. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens ?)

Jo and Rob, meanwhile, represent that appalling spectacle; yuppies with pretensions (YWP). Their wedding day has a theme: navy blazers, straw boaters, neckties, and cricket white. (The theme is looking like a prat.) 

Rob pretends to be important. His friends pretend to like him,

Rob, it turn out, is already married. To his mobile phone. As for the wedding, it rains. Tapehead cheers.

Peter and Julie are both unemployed. 

“She doesn’t seem to want to work,” Peter observes. “Nahh, I don’t !” Julie agrees enthusiastically.

Like something out of a Pauline Calf video, they get their ring from an indoor market and Julie’s dress for 39 quid (veil and shoes included). Their reception is down the Coach and Horses. Peter is a sheepish, semi-wasted, South London tearaway with four brothers and eight sisters and no father. 

“Marriage is marriage. It’s going all the way, innit ?”

He prepares for the big event nursing a hangover (“I feel smashed up, man”), knocking back beans and eggs, and playing pool.

Watch out for Julie’s dad, pricing up spam in his corner shop minutes before the ceremony, and the brilliant way Julie’s bridesmaid pronounces “Confetti” (with no ‘t’s).

Julie and Peter are the only ones who look as if they might be in love. 

Tapehead wishes them luck.

Some people, of course, are married to their Apple Macs. Visions Of Heaven And Hell examines the implications for society of modern advances in technology like the internet.  All very interesting, of course but somehow Tapehead could only concentrate on cybersex.

“Does computer sex on the internet constitute adultery ?” 

Tapehead intends to find out. One female subscriber to the Internet Sex Bulletin fondly recalls sending out a bulletin about “buggering my boyfriend” and hearing back from a man who was so inspired, he went home and asked his wife to comply. She refused. So he asked her best friend. Who didn’t. Oh dear.


Cutting Edge: 9-10pm, Mon, C4

Visions Of Heaven And Hell: 9-10p,m, Tue, C4

Revelations: 10.40-22.20pm, Thu, Carlton